So today I’d like to talk about my struggle with anxiety, depression and paranoia. Many of my family members have suffered from various forms of mental illness. I also had a tough time as a teen. Now at 24 years old I’m dealing with a whole bunch of feelings, emotions, and thoughts that has made life… well… not so easy for me.
The Number One #️⃣1️⃣ thing that suffered?
Let me give you a quick, quick, background on my s/o and I. So we met when I was 14, after school, he was a year younger. We met and dated for a while then he had to move and it ended. Then over the next 4 years, like a love story, we kept re-finding each other. No matter which town, which state, relationship or not, we always found each other. We lived such different lives we never took the leap back into a relationship, until January of 2017. We decided to catch up and one thing led to another, and boom we took the relationship leap. Not too much longer we got pregnant (very unexpectedly). And now it’s almost 2 long years later.
Now we have so much history, and a baby, anddd issues. My issues. And it’s been hard.
Soo, what’s going on?
Well my brain works differently than others, and not in a good way. Everything has a bad scenario in my head. I go straight to the worst, 0-100 for no reason, thinking it’s no big deal but overreacting anyway. When he goes out with his friends I’m always telling him to be safe, that’s ok right? No, because I’m afraid of him getting in an accident, or a bar fight, or coming across the wrong officer (he’s mixed). In my brain something horrible is going to happen.
Husband goes to friends house, 4 people there having a few drinks by the fire.
Nothings wrong with that right?
My brain –*now I know that he is responsible* but, what if his friends get too drunk and act stupid? What if they get rowdy and loud and the neighbors call the police? What if the fire blows up? What if he gets hurt?What if he died?
See what I mean? Not ok.
It’s always something bad, cheating, accidents, arrests, death? WTF?!
Now along with allll of this, I have panic attacks, bouts of depression, manic episodes, and sometimes, I’m not sure why I’m doing it! AND it’s ALL. IN. MY. HEAD. That puts a lot of stress on me, and my s/o.
For a long, long, LONG time, I would keep all of these thoughts and feelings to myself. That always leads to an explosion over the smallest things.
One day, there was a fight. We got into a huge fight, over nothing. I can’t even tell you what it was that’s how small. But anyway, he had to leave for a little bit and we had to figure this out, like adults. Mind you, we still have a 6month old baby to care for over everything.
This is when I knew I had work to do on ME
I was depressed, confused, hurt, and still being a mom while dealing with all of it I felt like I’d hit rock bottom..
Steps I took to fix ME
First and foremost, I would like to say that personally I don’t like to take medication, especially if it’s not necessary. ****see disclosure at end***
First step: I went and saw my doctor, and after talking and reviewing family history he prescribed me a medication to help with some of it. Now as I said, I don’t like taking things if I don’t need them, so I took many necessary other steps to try and help with my issues.
Step Two: honestly the hardest step. I sat down with my s/o and told him everything. And after hours of talking everything through and really digging deep into our brains we had everything out on the table. *now him and I have a ton of history, and he knows almost everything about me, and this was still extremely difficult to admit to him.*
We both felt a weight lift from our shoulders. It helped him understand where all the anger and mood swings came from. And he Appreciated the H O N E S T Y.
Step Three: communication. Now you can’t just talk about these kinds of issues one time and done. Now that he knows what I’m going through, it’s easier to work through it. When I’m feeling anxious or paranoid, I just have to tell him! And TOGETHER we find ways to make it better!
If your having these types of issues, I urge you to first see your doctor. But also, talk to your partner. Sometimes we’re afraid to show those types of to our s/o, but I promise you that communication is what’s going to save you!